Anybody got some chocolate?

It's been a while since I blogged, partially due to laziness and partly due to being busy with other things. I'm still diligently working my A** off at the gym, slowly losing the weight and building up the muscles. Pretty soon, I will have to give up all my comfy saggy fat pants in favour of something form fitting. I'm about to leave the safety of the plus size section of the ladies department for the much bigger and scarier "regular sized section". Sizes such as 1X, 2X make total sense to me. Small, Medium and large not so much. I step with great trepidation among the racks of stylish clothing without elastic waistbands and built in tummy control. It's confusing!

I'm also at a bit of an impasse with Bicki. Don't get me wrong,he's been a great trainer. We have made huge amounts of progress, he and I, but recently his mind seems to be on something (or someone) else. It first started with a change in our regular schedule. Suddenly, he was not "available" on Thursdays. Then a series of late's, rescheduled appointments and then today, a flat out no-show. I'm no fool... I know what's going on... Bicki has another...CUSTOMER!!!!!!

Sure, we can go on pretending like there's nothing going on, that everything is just as it was when we first met. Me in my tight gym pants and he with his rippling muscles and shaved head. I should have known that it couldn't last.

So fine! let him have his other customer, I hope she's a 20 something flake who dumps him after she loses 20 pounds. She'll never be interested in listening to all his griping and complaining about how crappy his job is or how stupid his ex girlfriends are, or how little all the other trainers at the gym know.

She won't be able to give him advice on how to approach that pretty girl across the gym, cause she'll think she's the ONLY girl worth looking at. And forget getting her to squat and lunge her way through a work out. God forbid that she might actually sweat! Whatever. We are SO DONE!!!!!!

I hate to admit it...

... but Steve was... um... right. CRAP!!!! In the past 4 weeks, I have lost 8, count 'em 8 pounds! Thanks in no small part to the extra 45 minutes per day that I "plod" on the treadmill every day. He told me that slowing down my heart rate on the treadmill and increasing the number of days I exercise would speed up the weight loss and damn it, he was right. Not that I've given him the satisfaction by telling him.

It's incredible how much I am learning and changing as I continue this quest from obese to 'oh baby'. For example: although technically I am considered obese according to medical standards, I always thought of myself as over weight and a little bit out of shape. I now understand the strain my body is under for every extra pound I carry, and I can appreciate the smallest victory such as not being winded after going up a flight of stairs. My joints are not as creaky, my neck and back don't hurt as much as they did, and I don't have the level of fatigue I did a few months ago. Most surprising is the amount of food that I can do without! I have all but given up fast foods, snack foods (potato chips etc.)and candy. I try to at least take a moment to think about what I am about to eat, instead of giving into a craving and stuffing myself. All the junk foods still call out to me, but for the most part, I make specific plans and and choose the time and place for a small indulgence. It's not cheating if you work it into the weekly plan and then work a little but harder in the gym after the fact.

Some things have not changed, and I am determined to shift a few old paradigms now that I have much of the basics under control.
Paradigm #1: I INHALE MY FOOD. No sure why, but when I sit down in front a plate of food, I plow through it in seconds, sometimes cramming several forkfuls into my mouth before chewing and swallowing. Many of the sources I have researched suggest that I chew 20 - 30 times for each mouthful of food. So, I am going to work on slowing down the pace, chewing on only 1 mouthful at a time.

Paradigm #2: I think I have a good memory for details and therefore don't need to keep track of how much food I put into my body. But I am very good at glossing over the little things that likely add up. Also, I am supposed to be creating a calorie deficit by eating less and exercising more, but I have no clue about any of the numbers.. It's time to stop assuming and start keeping accurate records. I've bought a food log and I'm going to spend the next month recording everything that goes into my mouth.

...and I'm back!

So, it's been a few weeks since my last post, which some of you will remember as my temper tantrum after my last and I mean LAST fitness assessment.

I'm over it and I am pleased to say that I am more determined than EVER!. Since that day, I have made a commitment to doing something physical every day of the week. Right now, that consists of doing 45 minutes of cardio every day. I actually love doing this! Somehow, a 45 minute session on the treadmill always gives me a sense of satisfaction. It's like Valium only healthier (but possibly as addictive.) We have a treadmill in the "fitness centre" in our condo building, so it's easy to live up to the commitment. I pop down at at time convenient to me, take a good book and walk a couple of K's and a nice easy pace. I even figured out how to set the treadmill up to keep me from exceeding my maximum heart rate level of 108 bpm. The time usually flies by as I get engrossed in my book.

Right now, I'm reading a Max Haines book. This non-fiction author is well known for writing about all kinds of murders. Somewhat macabre, but quite therapeutic in a sick sort of way. I now know about 200 ways to murder someone, and I also know what one has to do to avoid getting caught. It seems that the number 1 reason people get caught for murder that they admit it, usually because they do a real lousy job of getting rid of the murder weapon, and they make up outrageous stories when talking to the police. Oh, and when murdering someone for the insurance money, one needs to be careful not to make a habit of it... apparently they check into these kind of things.

While working out with Bikky the other day, Steve minced over and asked me if I am doing the extra cardio. I confirmed this and told him about reading the Max Haines book. I smiled as I stated that I now know how to kill someone and get away with it...went right over his head. Bikky thought it was funny though.

So, over the past few weeks I've learned a lot of new things:

I don't need to gauge my self-esteem by a few numbers on a scale or measuring tape or what some guy at the gym has to say... nor do I have to base my value as a human being on the size of my clothes or the shape of my body. Yes, feedback is important, but what I need to pay attention to are the important things... like being right with God and at peace with myself. Liking what I see when I look at myself in the mirror has more to do with the way I live my life and less to do with body image. (Although I must say, my tushie is starting to look quite perky!)

I also know that trying to cover up a murder by dissolving a body in a barrel of acid is impractical. So is burying it in a shallow grave in the woods, or hiding it under the bed, cause that's the first place people look. (I'm not going to tell you the best ways, cause I don't want to be a bad influence.)Forewarned is forearmed!

So, in summary, working out is good, loving yourself for who you are is better, and murder is bad... and working out with Bikky is murder, but I love every minute of it!

I will not succome to the tyranny of the measuring tape

I am amazing. I am awesome. I am beautiful. I am bright. I am creative. I am corny. I am delightful. I am determined. I am edgy. I am eating healthy. I am friendly. I AM FINE. I am grateful. I am gorgeous! I am healthier. I am happy. I am idealistic. I am I. I am Jan (duh!) I am jolly (not just 'cause I'm fat). I am kind. I am kind of cool. I am lovely. I am lucky (to have you as my friend). I am mommy, ma, mother and ma ma. I am MAD!!!(in that British kind of way). I am nice. I am naughty. I am open-minded. I am Oh sooo cool! I am polite. I am plumpy. I am Quite MAD (in a pi**ed off sort of way). I am Qute (made that one up.) I am Reaching past my toes which means I am flexible) I am Really Really determined to go the distance. I am Sista to my friends and Sister to my Sista's. I am a Silly-billy (for caring about the scale and measuring tape). I am terrific! I am tired of being fat. I am understanding. I am un-defeated! I am voluptuous. I am Very Very MAD!!! (in that British, pi**ed off kind of way) I am WOMAN!!! I am Wishing that I did insert that stupid body fat gizmo up Steve's healthy, fit A**. I am Xcited that this diatribe is almost done. I am eXcellent. I am young at heart. I am yawning. I am ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Bad Day at the Gym

Last month, I had amazing results from my fitness assessment. I lost 8 pounds, 5" off my waist, and 1.5% body fat. There was some additional inches off the rest of me and I showed general improvement overall in terms of strength.

This month, although I have noticed a distinct difference in the way my clothing fits (sagging pants, boobs are now actually rambling around in my DD cups, buttons stay buttoned across my chest instead of popping open or gaping) People seem to notice my weight loss more this month than last month. But if I am to believe today's numbers, NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!

I lost only 2 pounds. I expected to see some drastic drop in inches from my bust, waist and hips, but the loss was zip or at best forgettable. What did change, was my body fat %. It went down 3% and that is a lot of fat and probably why my body looks different and my clothes fit better.

So, the question I have, is... Should I do these monthly assessments?

I feel discouraged, disappointed in myself, and today, I have wavered between giving up and burying my face in a box of timbits (the BIG box). Of course, I'm not going to do either, I am as committed to this as ever, figuratively and financially...

But right now, I'm playing silly mind games and basing my entire self-worth on the number on a scale and measuring tape.

To make matters worse, Steve the ASSesser (pun intended)had the audacity to question my commitment! Am I actually coming 3 times a week? Do I workout on my own with the same intensity as I do with Bikky? And what about diet? Am I cheating?, Eating junk food? Huge portions?

He has no idea how close he came to having that stupid body fat gizmo shoved up his health fit A**!!!!

And get this... Steve the ASSessor also tells me that I should never allow my heart rate to go over 105 beats per minute while doing my 45 minute cardio... apparently that burns more fat than working at a higher intensity and burning 500 calories in 45 minutes... confused? Me too!

Like I said,bad day at the gym... can't wait to see what Bikky has to say about all this...

My kingdom for a cheeseburger!

It's official... I have fallen off the wagon... The "diet" wagon. Thanks to stupid 'ol Valentine's day. Since I started this journey, I have completely changed my eating habits. I have cut out white potatoes, pasta, rice, and all forms of junk food. My guilty pleasures these days have been 3 low sodium Triscuits with 2 tiny 1" x 1" wafer thin slices of cheese as a bedtime-treat. I did relax the rules a bit at Christmas, but managed to get back on track as soon as I got back home.

But on Saturday night, Eric and I went out for a Valentine's meal, and I have been plagued with cravings for all kinds of crap ever since. So, a confession is in order:

Forgive me trainer, for I have sinned...It's been 24 hours since my last workout.
I have craved for cheese burgers and fries, dreamed about cheesecake, fantasized about pizza and indulged in banana chocolate chip muffins (twice!). I ate 5 baby potatoes and white chocolate raspberry creme brule. I have pictured myself in bed with a bag of rosemary/garlic kettle-style potato chips (not naked, cause that's just wrong).I've nibbled twice on Eric's chocolate bars, and sniffed the wrappers after he went to bed. And I loved it!!! Love it I tell ya!

Is there rehab for food addicts like me?

For Sale... 1 pair of black gym pants - slightly used.

I have not posted much for the past few weeks, mainly because I don't have the energy or physical ability to lift the computer onto my lap. That's how hard Bikki works me and that's how hard I work myself. You can't argue with success, because the fat is melting away quicker than I had hoped for. Perhaps a bit too quickly

Due to my rapid shrinking,I have become one of those people at the gym who wear over sized clothing that although comfy, does not always do a good job of covering everything that should remained covered at all times.

I give much of the credit for my baggy gym pants to a simple exercise called the squat Not a very lady-like exercise but it gets the job done.

Now for those of you who are not familiar with the squat, picture this. I am standing with my feet shoulder width apart, hands crossed over my chest and I squat so that my thighs are parallel to the floor. The best way to know for sure that I am squatting low enough is to check myself out in the mirror. So, I do a few squats before realizing the i am sporting a noticeable "plumber's crack" which is not a fetching look no matter how spectacular one's tushy might be. Mine might be real, but it is definitely not spectacular...yet.

So all of a sudden, I am feeling a bit conflicted. I want to do the squats,[cause squats melt the fat,) but I don't want to traumatize the folks behind me. So I try to hike up my gym pants (my 8$ gym pants) and tie the string in the waist band tightly. Bad choice. Now the hem of my pants are barely clearing the tops of my socks, and the crotch is snugly wedged in my butt crack. This also, is not a fetching look. It all went down hill from there.

FYI... NEVER try doing a squat with your gym pants hiked up your "hoo hoo" unless you enjoy having a crowd of confused and horrified people watch as you extricate said gym pants from a place you're not supposed to touch...even in the dark.

I'm getting quite a reputation at the gym.